do my parents hate me

Why do my parents hate me? 5 Questions Uncover the Truth

Last Updated on August 26, 2021.

You may feel like your parents hate you if they are constantly telling you what to do, why you can’t go out with friends, and why they have to know where you are at all times. Maybe it’s because of the way that they were raised as kids or maybe it’s just a personality clash. Either way, there is a chance that these interactions are happening more than once in a while and this means something isn’t right. We’ve put together 5 simple questions for teens struggling with “why do my parents hate me” so they can figure out what might be going on!

Is it actually hate? 

Hate is a strong feeling. Most people don’t actually hate very many people. And it’s even less common for parents to truly hate their offspring. True hate means that it’s difficult to see any redeeming qualities in the person, and most parents can see why their kids are special and worthwhile.

Is it possible they are trying to bring out the best in you? Maybe they think you can do better.

Parents are usually there to help their kids be the best they can be. But sometimes it’s hard for parents to understand their teen’s behavior and that is why they may seem aggressive in their parenting style, but this doesn’t mean they actually hate you.

Another possibility is that they’re using an ineffective parenting strategy. Parents tend to copy their own parents’ philosophies and strategies. They fall into a default parenting strategy that they grew up with. The problem is that the world is different now and we know so much more now about raising children. Those old methodologies just don’t work very well anymore.

Is it possible your parents are trying to parent you like they were raised? Your parents might just need a little coaching or a modern parenting course to help them achieve their parenting goals in a more effective way.

RELATED: How to tell if your mom doesn’t love you.

5 Questions to Ask

Here are 5 questions you can ask yourself to understand how your parents actually feel.

Do they spend time with me?

Time is love. If your parents do not make time for you, it’s a sign they prioritize the other things in their life. We all have the same 24 hours a day, and we all have to choose what’s most important.

Do they try to protect me?

Parents are supposed to protect their children. Do they want to know who you’re with and where you’re going? Do they ask questions about your health and safety? And do they check in on your mental wellbeing? If not, it might be a sign of a deeper problem.

Do they only talk bad about me?

Parents who actually hate their kids will talk bad about them. They might complain about having to do things for them or say negative things about who their child is or what they do. And they often do this right in front of the kids. Parents frequently badmouthing their kids is a red flag.

It’s important to note, however, that sometimes parents need to vent. If your parent normally has good things to say about you, your behavior, and your personality, but they have a periodic mom (or dad) meltdown, that’s totally normal.

RELATED: Why is my mom so mean?

Do I hate my parents?

Hate is a strong emotion that’s built up over long periods of time. And it’s often a two-way street. How do you really feel about your parents? Do you enjoy spending time with them? Do you laugh together? And do you hate them or do you just hate their parenting strategy?

Reflect on how you really feel about your parents (not their parenting strategy) and this might give you some insight into how they feel.

Are they abusive in any way? 

Abuse is never ok, and there is a wide range of behaviors that constitute abuse. Most people immediately think of physical abuse, but there’s also emotional abuse which might involve (but not be limited to) name-calling, constant put-downs and teasing, or withholding affection.

If you feel like your parents have abused you in any way, it’s important that you get help as soon as possible.

RELATED: How to tell your parents you have a boyfriend

why do my parents hate me?
do my parents hate me?

What to do if your parents really do hate you

If you’ve answered all the questions and you’re feeling more certain that your parents do, in fact, hate you, what can you do about it? Here are four steps to take to try to repair your relationship.

Self Reflect

Relationships are two-sided. So is conflict. You are responsible for your part in the degradation of your parent/child relationship. Think about what you can do to help the situation. Can you communicate more openly? Can you be more respectful of your parents’ house rules? And can you contribute more around the house? How can you gain your parent’s trust and respect?

Make a list of things you are will to do for the sake of your parent/child relationship.

Communicate

Communication is key. If you are communicating openly, it will be easier for your parents to understand why they frustrate or anger you. It might also help them see why their parenting strategy is ineffective and why they need to change gears.

Listening is part of communication, so make a point to hear them out. Stay calm, practice active listening skills, and validate their feelings. If your parents feel heard, they’re more likely to negotiate and compromise to improve your parent/child relationship.

Don’t forget about the list of concessions you’re willing to make to better your relationship. Be honest. Tell them that you know you can do better too, and here are the things you’re going to work on.

Make a Point to Connect

Connection is the foundation for all parent/child relationships. Remember, time is love. Make a point to connect with them. Spend time doing activities you all enjoy. Ditch the distractions (like your phone) and truly engage with your parents.

When you make time to connect, you’ll get to know your parents better (and they’ll get to know you). You’ll probably find more common ground, and you’ll definitely build lifelong memories that will bond you together.

Talk to an Outsider

There’s no shame in getting an outsider’s perspective. This does not mean one of your friends! It needs to be someone neutral and objective. Talk to a coach, counselor, or therapist about your struggles. If you’re comfortable, ask your parents for family counseling sessions. Difficult discussions often feel unresolvable if they are approached directly. A mediator may be an effective way to avoid any further familial conflict.

The Bottom Line

Relationships are hard. Parent/child relationships are even harder. They take a lot of work and patience, which is why it’s so easy to get frustrated or angry. But don’t give up! You have an important relationship with your parents that deserves all the time you can offer.

What You Should Do Next…

1. Snag Our Connected Parent Challenge

Are you ready for more activities to build a rock-solid bond with your kids? Try our Connected Parent Challenge! It’s 15 Days of 15 Minute activities that are sure to improve your connection, diminish bad behavior, and create lasting memories. Plus, I’ll deliver more amazing parenting strategies to your inbox weekly (don’t worry, unsubscribe any time!).

2. Join Our Free Online Community

Connect with like-minded moms (and dads!) in our free online community. You’ll find a plethora of resources to help you through your parenting challenges. Plus, you’ll find me there! And I’d love to connect.

3. Take a Free 60-Minute Parenting Webinar

Do you need actionable strategies right now? Register for this free 60-minute webinar titled How to Get Kids to Listen, Without Nagging, Yelling or Losing Control. You’ll walk away with parent-tested tactics to get your kids to listen starting today.

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