why is my mom so mean

Why is my mom so mean? 8 Reasons It’s Not Your Fault (plus what to do)

Last Updated on August 26, 2021.

Your mom can be the meanest person in your life. You are always on her naughty list. Nothing you do is good enough. It doesn’t help that other people think she’s just being a good parent, but you are wondering “why is my mom so mean?” Well, there are actually many reasons why moms can act this way towards their children – here are 8 of them. (Spoiler: it’s not your fault)

You are not responsible for anyone else’s feelings

No matter what, you are not responsible for anyone else’s feelings. Each individual is responsible for their own thoughts and feelings, and don’t let anyone (including your mom) think that you are the cause of their negative emotions.

Your mom may lack communication skills

Parents who lack communication skills can come off as cold and uninterested. The truth is, your mom might just not be very good at communicating her thoughts and feelings. It’s her responsibility to work on this skill.

Your mom may struggle to manage stress

Stress does strange things to people. Moms who are under a great deal of stress tend to be short-tempered and often come across as mean. Each individual is responsible for building the skills to manage stress.

Your mom could be overwhelmed

Overwhelm can have a huge impact on people’s attitudes and emotions. Moms deal with a lot of stress. She could simply be overwhlemed. You could attempt to alleviate some of this by helping out, but again, it’s not your responsibility to help her manage these emotions.

why is my mom so mean
why is my mom so mean

Your mom may lack parenting skills

I’m going to share a little secret with you. No one is born an amazing parent. They send you home with a baby as if there’s some natural built-in parenting manual. It’s just not true. Parents learn and hone parenting skills over time. If your mom has not made an attempt to master this skill (like any other job or hobby in life), then she might lack the parenting skills to be connected and attentive to you.

Your mom might be a narcissist

Some moms are narcissists. There’s no way around it. It’s a personality disorder where the person lacks empathy and has difficulty forming attachments. Society expects women to become mothers, so narcissists might have been pressured to have kids even though they aren’t well suited to be parents.

Your mom might have control issues 

Mean moms often have control issues. They want to dictate your life and do not recognize your independence. The truth is your life is your own.

Your mom could have mental health issues

If your mom has mental health issues, she might be struggling to connect with you. She could come off as mean or uncaring. Her mental health should be a priority for her. Encourage her to seek help if you think she falls into this category.

How can you handle a mean mom?

Evaluate your own behavior

First, evaluate your own behavior. Conflicts are never one-sided. Both sides always have some level of blame. The first thing you need to do is ask yourself how YOU can be better. If there are things in your life that might trigger bad feelings for her, then consider making adjustments.

Set boundaries

It’s important to set boundaries with your parents because they are not in charge of you or your life. It’s okay to say “no” when they ask for something, and it’s also fine to set limits. Make sure that these boundaries make sense for YOUR needs (not what SHE wants). It’s sometimes difficult for moms to let go, but its necessary for your own well-being.

Focus on your mental health

Work on your own mental health so that you can handle a toxic mom. If she’s toxic, the last thing you need are additional stressors. It might be helpful for you to speak with someone about these feelings and why they’re affecting your life in such a negative way.

Seek guidance

Get help from a professional who specializes in parenting coaching or family therapy. An outside perspective can be helpful for parents who are looking to change their behavior.

RELATED: Why children abandon their parents

The Bottom Line

You may think your mom is mean. She might be. But you are not responsible for your mom’s emotions or feelings. It’s up to her to work on her own mental health and coping skills. You are responsible for taking care of your emotional needs, so don’t feel bad if you need a break from interacting with someone who makes you sad or angry.

What You Should Do Next…

1. Snag Our Connected Parent Challenge

Are you ready for more activities to build a rock-solid bond with your kids? Try our Connected Parent Challenge! It’s 15 Days of 15 Minute activities that are sure to improve your connection, diminish bad behavior, and create lasting memories. Plus, I’ll deliver more amazing parenting strategies to your inbox weekly (don’t worry, unsubscribe any time!).

2. Join Our Free Online Community

Connect with like-minded moms (and dads!) in our free online community. You’ll find a plethora of resources to help you through your parenting challenges. Plus, you’ll find me there! And I’d love to connect.

3. Take a Free 60-Minute Parenting Webinar

Do you need actionable strategies right now? Register for this free 60-minute webinar titled How to Get Kids to Listen, Without Nagging, Yelling or Losing Control. You’ll walk away with parent-tested tactics to get your kids to listen starting today.

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